Tuesday, December 29, 2015

2015: WTF am I doing with my life?

2015 has been a roller coaster of crazy and it's hard to believe that it's almost over. My blog has always been a place of openness and honesty. It's also a place free of judgment. I would like to be free to say whatever is on my mind. Here's what I've learned this year.

1. Sometimes life is more gray than Black and White
What I mean by this is that, We like to separate right and wrong without realizing none of us are living completely like Christ. We are not on either side of the spectrum, in one way or the other we are in the middle, Gray. I have always felt this way though. I know I was talking about Celibacy just a couple months ago. This is not hypocritical, this is uncut and honest. Hypocritical would be writing about the good but hiding the ugly. I'm not that kind of Christian. Never have been and never will be. HONESTLY, I have ping ponged about this idea. I would like to wait until marriage but you can never be sure. I love myself and want to fulfill all that God has for me. Can we ever be sure of the future? No, absolutely not. Throughout this year I have faced scrutiny and support, and looking at the people who are getting married-I'm like is there even hope? Is there even room for a girl like me? I hope so. I ultimately want a partner, a best friend and I just battle with this idea of whether I even still want to date or just be friends with a guy. I actually don't think a man and woman can be completely friendly, unless one of them is gay. Feel free to disagree. I think that there will always be some sort of sexual tension either between the two or it might be one sided. This year, despite being an over-planning and anxious mess, I have learned there are some things you cannot plan. Be that, career oppurtunities, love or other life experiences. Yes, I am interested in someone. Yes, we shared an intimate moment.  I still hold my beliefs but I have been shown time and time again that some things aren't black and white. I don't know when I'll meet my husband but I do hope I'm mature and ready. Celibacy is important and guarding your heart is also nice. Feelings develop and I just hope I share that experience with someone I truly love. I do not want to regret anything. I will try to live my life as moral as I can. I'll leave it at that.

2. Anxiety is Real
I've never shared this on the blog but, after my Mom passed I changed. It was like there was a shift within me that hardened my heart. I honestly stopped caring about a lot of things-which was bad because I had finals the next week. I stopped caring about myself. I actually wanted to die. Life did not have a meaning. That grief carried on into anxiety. I has been 4 years. Earlier this year, I moved into my first apartment and I started really experiencing anxiety. There is something that happens when you and your nightmare are face to face. For me, that was being alone. I was alone for months and months in a room that seemed like a box. Even a couple of months ago, I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I asked for healing and talked to God. I asked for patience and wisdom. I took up things to help me stay busy. I took walks even when I didn't need anything. I left my house and went to different events. This goes back to the over planning thing. I needed to stop doing that. When things don't go my way, I worry. I need to also stop doing that. I also got a coloring book. That helps. I haven't felt that level of anxiety in a while and I am so happy. I am so blessed and I need to focus on each wonderful moment that I share with those closest to me!

3. I am Sexy AF
Not to toot my own horn, but I am so beautiful and I don't know why it took me so long to realize that. I have never felt so much self confidence in my life. I love my hair, I love my features and my mannerisms. I don't care what anyone might think about me as long as I believe I'm beautiful. This was definitely a year of magnificent growth for me.

4. Just Let it be
Towards the end of this year I cut some people out of my life but I also just like things naturally happen. I am not forcing relationships, jobs, hairstyles or lifestyles anymore. I am not fighting over anything with anyone. It's all no stress and I like it like that. I people don't want me in their life, they can leave. Why give myself unnecessary stress? Who wants an early grave? Not me. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to just BREATHE. Take it easy. One step at a time.

Happy Holidays!
XO, 9jaknots